


galaxy superstar waluigi: the waajestic number one

by DarlingBaphomet



Category: Super Mario Bros. (Video Games)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-01-29 16:22:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21413113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarlingBaphomet/pseuds/DarlingBaphomet
Summary: waluigi was a man, but unlike most men, he wore purple. purple, it is known to members of society, is not a very masculine color, and as such people who wear purple should be shamed unless they are actually gay, in which case it is perfectly okay and there is nothing wrong with that, why would you even suggest there was something wrong with that unless you were homophobic and didn't want waluigi to wear purple? it's well known that gay people have a purple pass and as such are capable of doing things that straight men cannot while still retaining their masculinity, indeed, i would go so far as to say that purple is a very manly color on waluigi, and that it fits him quite well as an expression of his lust for other men. as you can see i am entirely supportive of waluigi and his wardrobe, which contains copious amounts of the color purple, because i am not homophobic, and it is completely okay for homosexual men to wear the color purple.what's that you say?waluigi is asexual?
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

it was a beautiful morning when mario got out of bed, and when he realized it he immediately went back to bed because beautiful or not, mario did not wake up in the morning unless he was being paid to do so, and mario had not been emplyoed in a very long time. however as soon as he got back into bed luigi burst into his room and he screamed "mario!!! my estranged brother who i live next to but rarely if ever speak to! there is important news and you're not going to like it"

mario looked up and he said "go the FUCK to sleep luigi" and luigi said "no anyway i just received a package in the mail from an anonymous source and it was mostly just condensed packing peanuts but there was a letter inside, and the letter said that one of us is adopted!! and then it said 'let the games begin' and i think whoever wrote it kept trying to draw a clown emoji? but they kept fucking it up and having to retry and basically the entire back of the page is filled with smudged clown faces. why would you draw an emoji"

mario said "luigi you know how i feel about the e word"

and luigi said "entire?"

and mario said "no not fucking entire, EMOJI. it's a disgusting word and it unwittingly tries to turn regular people into weebs. they are called smilies. s m i l i e s. that's what they've been called since the dawn of time and i am not going to allow millenials to replace it with a word that makes me think of poop socks and anime figurines"

and luigi said "why are you thinking of poop socks though and, more importantly, what the FUCK is a poop sock" and mario said "it's a sock that you poop in" and luigi said "ok i mean that was more or less implied but why would you poop in a sock" and mario said "so that you don't have to go to the bathroom" and luigi said "i have literally never heard of a poop sock before is this something that you have personal experience with or is this another one of your urban legends, like people who make the ahegao face irl" and mario said "are you asking me, your own brother mario mario, if he poops in a sock? luigi, this is why you are clearly the adopted brother" and luigi said "that makes no sense, why would *i* be the adopted one? you're the one who has apparently pooped in a sock" and mario said "i have not pooped in a sock that was an orphan test to test whether or not you were an orphan" and luigi said "why do you assume there even is an orphan i mean do you really trust somebody who can't draw a clown emoji after"

luigi looked down to count and mario waited patiently for the three minutes it took (luigi was not very good at math) and then he finally said "about 23 tries? i'm sorry but if you don't know how to draw a clown emoji you clearly are not a reputable source of information on anything, especially not my genetic heritage" and mario said "genetic heritage? ok nazi" and luigi said "really????? five minutes to a perfectly good 11 am on sunday and you've already called me a nazi" and mario said "okay i'm going back to bed" and then mario fell asleep and luigi slapped his forehead dismissively (this is, as the kids say, a facepalm) and then he quietly crouched down and pulled a jar of vegetables mayo from underneath mario's bed because he had already expended his own supply and then he walked out of the room and he ate toast with vegetables mayo on it and he was happy, for a time.

meanwhile, mario dreamed of cheese


	2. mario rising

mario woke in the middle of the night. this was unusual, because usually he'd have been woken up by luigi much much earlier than this, and not having been woken up immediately drew grim images into mario's mind. had luigi fallen asleep while cooking and accidentally fallen into a frying pad, permanently disfiguring his handsome (well, not really) face? would mario have to use his last bottle of vegetables mayo's curative properties to restore the fragile, baby ass-reminiscent skin of his brother's face? either way, mario shouldn't have owken up in the middle of the night and that was bad, and given that that was abnormal, it was time for mario to do a detective

so mario got out of bed and he put on his clothes and then he walked out of the door and he went downstairs and he shouted "luigi!!!!! come out, you orphan" but there was no reply. then mario noticed a note on the table so he picked it up and he read it and it said "i have kidnapped your "brother". if you ever want to know who the orphan is, you must seek me out" and then there were five or so fucked up clown emojis drawn and the last one was only half drawn. mario assumed that the author had given up humiliating himself with his terrible artwork. what an absolute clown. he couldn't even draw a clown emoji, which makes him, like, a clown squared or something. mario sighed. luigi had been kidnapped. and mario couldn't tell whether or not he was an orphan without rescuing him, assuming either of them had even been adopted. obviously mario knew that he was the true son of his parents but he wanted luigi to have to accept the fact as well, so that they could build a new relationship of the foundation of both of them knowing that luigi was adopted.

mario realized that since luigi was out of the house, he had valuable privacy. mario ran upstairs like a fat enchilada with a hunger for crack cocaine and then he opened up his secret trap door in his room which led into a storage dimension and in there he walked towards a lockbox at the back of the room filled with unmentionables and various memorabilia. he opened up the lockbox with a golden key, and out of it he took his treasure. he had not been able to use this beauty in so long. he couldn't even wait to leave. he dropped his overalls right there and there, and a few minutes later, his poop sock was freshly stuffed. this would be a beautiful addition to bowser's collection. mario had an underground network of toads that would deliver his poop socks to bowser's castle via aliases and fake addresses so that he could never quite be sure that it wasn't a poop sock, even though he never got anything that wasn't a poop sock. but some day bowser hoped to not get a poop sock, and so he endured the unboxing of many squishy surprises from his arch rival

well, mario didn't really consider him an arch rival necessarily? he was more or less harmless at this point, and his constant attacks on the mushroom kingdom kept mario and luigi on a fat pension fund. in truth mario did not want bowser to be defeated, because if he were, it would be likely that mario would have to get a job, and that fucking blows.

so mario went out of his house and a toad was standing outside his door waiting patiently and mario said "why are you here" and the toad said "i've been waiting for you to come out, master mario" and mario said "don't call me master mario it gives me flashbacks to toadsworth" and the toad said "oh ok" and mario said "ok so why have you been waiting for me" and the toad said "waluigi wanted me to tell you to text him" and mario said "why doesn't he just text me himself" and toad said "he forgot your number" and mario said "did that idiot switch phones AGAIN" and the toad said "respectfully i don't think he would like being called an idiot" and mario said "well yes and that's exactly why i call him an idiot" and the toad said "that's very rude of you sir. anyway after waluigi won mario tennis he decided that he had reached peak fame and as such has shut himself in at the top of waluigi mountain so that nobody will harass him" and mario said "does anybody actually care about him or him having won mario tennis though? everybody knows he cheated" and the toad said "not that i'm aware of" and mario said "anyway what's his number" and toad said "as far as i can tell he wants you to go to his mountain and ask in person because he's mighy lonely" and mario said "tell him that i have more important things to do than hike to the middle of nowhere to ask somebody for his number when he could easily just text me, my brother was kidnapped by somebody too incompetent to draw the clown emoji" and toad said "why the fuck would somebody draw the clown emoji, sir?" and mario said "exactly. anyway piss off" and the toad said "aye aye" and he ran away and mario said "ok well i have no fucking idea what to do"

then all of a sudden a letter hit him in the eye and mario screamed "FUCK my eye who the FUCK throws fucking LETTERS in somebody's eye those are fuckign sharp o you have any idea how fucking sharp paper can be????? i could get a papercut on my eye and then i'd be fucking blind and unable to read your letter. what the fuck" and then he picked up the letter and he read it and it said "p.s. i am right behind you" and there was another series of badly drawn clown emojis and mario said "haha i'm not falling for that" and he didn't turn around, which was a shame because the joker from the new joker movie where joker lives in a society was standing right behind him and he was waiting to say "i used to think life was a tragedy... now i know it's a comedy" but mario didn't turn around even though the joker kept trying to make noises to draw his attention and the joker wanted to scream but that would ruin the joke and mean that mario had one upped him by making him upset, so the joker held his tongue. he was pretty sure he lived in a society.


	3. society

the joker from the new joker movie, where joker lived in a society, otherwise known as joker society (he changed his last name to society after having an epiphany about living in a society, which rocked him to the core, and he decided that it was important to center his identity around the grim realization that he had uncovered about the nature of the universe, namely the one that we do, in fact, live in a society) sat down on the ground as he watched mario walk away from his house in the direction of waluigi mountain. waluigi had named it something annoyingly obtuse like waluigi wountain but nobody called it waluigi wountain because what the fuck is a wountain???? anyway, mario was walking away. the joker had not been able to tell him that he lived in a society.

the joker momentarily sobbed into his knees, and then he got up and started walking down the dirt road through the forest between mario's house and the mushroom kingdom. on the way he saw a toad on a bicycle, and he punched the toad and stole his bicycle. as he pedaled away, he screamed, "I USED TO THINK LIFE WAS A TRAGEDY, BUT NOW I REALIZE IT'S A COMEDY" and he kept looking back but the toad didn't move so the joker thought that maybe he was dead, which was sad, because that would mean that he hadn't been able to hear him. the joker pedaled towards the mushroom kingdom gate, where two guards stopped him. "license and registration?" and the joker screamed "we live in a society" and the toads immediately fell to the ground, rocked with fear and undergoing intense existential crises. the gate, however, was still not open, so the joker just bicycled up the wall and into the kingdom. he set the bicycle on fire so that nobody would be able to report him for possessing stolen property, and then he walked to the unemployment office and picked up his unemployment check. how could anybody doubt that we lived in a society, where here he was, performing all the notions of somebody who lived in a society? and surely other people would think, "oh, my life is just like his life", and then they would realize that maybe they too, live in a society. but the realization was too great, and some minds would rather render themselves comatose than be forced to accept an unpleasant, but necessary truth such as that one.

the joker went to his favorite pub, a lair of deplorable villains such as patrick stewart, who had gone on a murderous rampage following a psychotic episode in which he voiced the poop emoji in the emoji movie. here, he was at home. not because he was a villain; no, he was the greatest hero of all. but because he was surrounded by people who, even if under different circumstances, had achieved a sort of meta-awareness about living in a society similar to what he had, even if they could not fully grasp the consequences of dwelling in a society, they understood that, as much as they might walk in the streets of a society by day, they were outcasts, doomed to the knowledge that they lived in a society. he would not voice this, of course, for fear of shattering his drinking mates' fragile minds, but nonetheless, there was comfort in the shared experience.

the joker walked up behind patrick stewart. with the hands of a nurse, he delicately duct taped a piece of paper with several terrible attempts at drawing a poop emoji crossed out, and 'POOP EMOJI' written out at the bottom in comic sans. this was devilish work. the joker had once again proved that he was, indeed, a divine comedian, the lips through which the joke that was the universe paved its way into reality. today was a good day, even if he had been unable to tell mario that he lived in a society.


End file.
